How to make a long distance relationship work: 9 habits that keep you close

What actually keeps you close

Distance on its own rarely ends a relationship. What wears couples down is drift: weeks of “how was your day?” calls, small news that never gets shared, and the feeling that the other person’s life is happening somewhere you can’t see.

Couples who make it work don’t necessarily talk more. They talk more often, about smaller things, and they always have something to look forward to. The nine habits below come from that.

1. Swap one long call for a small daily ritual

A two-hour call on Sunday can’t carry a whole week. Something small every day does more: one question, one photo, one voice note. It keeps you up to date with the little things, which is what living together gives you for free.

Keep it small enough to do on a bad day. A ritual that needs an hour gets skipped the first time one of you is tired, and then it’s gone.

2. Answer the same question every day

A daily question gives the ritual a shape. You both answer the same one, on your own, before you see what the other wrote. Then you open the answers together, and the next call starts with something to talk about.

This is what Connect in the Talk Deep app is for. Invite your partner with a link, and each day you both get the same question: something to write, a 1 to 10 scale, a pick from four, or a photo. Answers stay closed until you’ve both answered, then open at 8 pm. A streak counts your days in a row, and you can react to each other’s answers. A few from the couples bank:

1. 1What happened today that you’d have texted me about if you’d had time?
2. 2What’s one small thing I did this week that you noticed?
3. 3What’s on your mind this week that I could make lighter?
4. 4What are you quietly looking forward to?
5. 5What’s a compliment about me you’ve been sitting on?

The daily question is free. It works with a friend or a parent far away, too.

3. Work with the time zones

If you live hours apart, pick one fixed moment that works for both of you and protect it: your morning coffee and their evening, or a lunch break and a bedtime. Put it in both calendars.

Make everything else work when it suits each of you. Voice notes, photos and a question you each answer in your own time mean neither of you has to stay up until 2 am to feel included. In Connect, the answers open at 8 pm in the time zone of whoever sent the invite, so let the person whose evening matters more send it.

4. Bring better questions to your calls

Most calls that feel flat aren’t a sign of trouble. You’ve just run out of news. Ask something that needs a story instead of a summary:

1. 6What did you do today that I would have loved?
2. 7What’s a small thing I do that you notice most when I’m not there?
3. 8When did you feel closest to me while we were apart?
4. 9What makes a call with me feel good, and what makes it feel short?
5. 10What’s a place near you that you want to show me?
6. 11Which of our memories do you replay most?
7. 12Is there something you’re saving to tell me in person?
8. 13What little ritual could we start for our calls?

There are more on our list of long distance relationship questions, below.

5. Do things together, apart

Talking isn’t the only way to spend time together. Watch the same film with a call open, cook the same recipe, or go for a walk at the same hour and send photos as you go.

Games for two work well on a call because they give you something to react to. In the Talk Deep app, In Sync shows where you match on money, family, home and the future, and in Know Me Better you guess each other’s answers. Share the room code and each of you plays on your own phone, wherever you are.

6. Always have the next visit on the calendar

Distance is easier to carry when it has an end point, even a small one. Book the next visit before this one ends, and count down to it together. If you can’t set a date yet, agree on the month.

7. Talk about when the distance ends

At some point, talk about when and where you might live in the same place. You don’t need a plan on day one, but you both need to know you’re heading the same way. Ask gently, and come back to it every few months:

1. 14What do you want to try together once we live in the same city?
2. 15What worries you about the distance?
3. 16How has the distance changed us, for better or worse?
4. 17When we finally live in the same place, what should we do first?

8. Say the small things out loud

Apart, you lose the hand on the shoulder and the look across the room. Say them instead: what you noticed, what you missed, what they got right. It sounds obvious, but over text it’s the first thing to go.

9. Keep your own life full

The best calls come from two people who have things going on. Keep your friends, your hobbies and your plans. A partner with a good week to tell you about is better company than one who waited by the phone.